Friday, February 24, 2017

What’s in the Junk Drawer of Christendom

Copyright © Edward Riojas

I’m serious. Soon it will be confirmation season, followed by graduation season and then ordination season. I could shamelessly point all you gift-giving folks toward my giclee prints and original pieces, but let’s put that aside. For now.

Once in a while it’s nice to open the junk drawer of Christendom to see all the crap contained therein. Please don’t get any ideas, or ask where you might obtain such treasures. If you’re that hell-bent on such purgatorial trash, then you’ll have to roam the back alleys of questionable taste all by your lonesome. Once you've done that, feel free to enter gift-giving at your own risk.

For starters, I COULD have mentioned a certain musical bottle opener that supposedly commemorates a certain 500th anniversary, but I won’t. Instead, I offer a much worse option – The “Sacrament Bottle Opener.” They could have saved themselves some trouble and simply imprinted the thing with the word “Heresy.” Beyond that, I don’t even want to know.

Here’s what happens when pea-wits start using the creative side of their heads. I will try my hardest to put the best construction on the idea and assume it horribly came to life when someone mentioned “confession” and another heard “confection.” The result is wrong, wrong, wrong.

It’s hard to go wrong with a wooden cross, but manufacturers are proving me otherwise. This is meant to be completely ergonomic. It is meant to be held in one's hand during fervent prayer. It is meant to be chucked in the garbage. Unless you are planning on using it for an ice scraper or a throwing star, I would opt for something that actually looks like a cross.

Speaking of wooden crosses, don’t do this. Don’t go take a clunky bunch of mesquite, attach a [lucky] horse shoe to it with baling wire and call it a cross. This one comes with the optional belly button. Or maybe it’s a doorbell to heaven. If you’re that much into Western stuff, just go buy a belt buckle.

Coffee mugs are nice, but ... fail.

Here’s what everyone wants to unwrap: A claw hammer with a Bible verse on it. How long do you think it will take folks to discover you really CAN’T do all things? Well, at least on the construction side of things? Oh, sure, you’ll call on the Name of the Lord when you hit your thumb for the umpteenth time, but that’s an entirely different matter.

Finally, here’s what not to get anyone. Ever. Jesus isn’t anyone’s coach, so just knock it off. Jesus is the Christ. And while we’re at it, don’t demote Almighty God to your stinkin’ Co-pilot or Buddy or any other inane title. I’m serious.

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